Blog 1340 – 05.11.2019
First Of A Two Day Of Tribute To Mom
Although I suspect as with many advertised campaigns Mother’s Day is a very commercial thing mostly about the money and selling stuff in many cases that only a mother could love, I think nevertheless a day devoted to mom is the least we can do for her who not only bore us but lived for us.
First a disclaimer of sorts, all mothers are not the same and the supposed mother instinct runs stronger in some than in others the results of which also vary greatly as well. Why we should expect mothers to be perfect when none of the rest of us are is a sticky sore point. Nick Nolte in the movie, The Prince Of Tides, from the book by Pat Conroy has a great back and forth with his mom when she in her usually castigating manner uses the oft used line. “That really melts a mother’s heart” and he replies, “Well, Lila, you have done a lot of things to piss me off and it may take some time for me to forgive you but I am working on it.”
As many boys with their mothers I started out very fond of the ground my mother walked on, worshipping her and buying in almost exclusively to her take on all of my dad’s faults and short comings. And he certainly, as all of us men, had them but I learned years later that she did too, the common fate of us all.
For a long time after she took her own life, three years after my dad died of a heart attack or stroke, and much as she complained about how difficult he was to live with for forty-seven years, she blamed him for leaving her too. I tried to tell her, “Mom, dad did not leave you, he died.” But it was her story and she was sticking to it. As I started to say and did not finish, for a long time after her suicide I was angry with her (not for taking her own life as you might expect) but for telling only her side of the story all those years and allowing me to think so much less of my dad than he deserved. But then I have often remarked that we so often make ourselves out to be the hero of our own story and maybe that is as it should be.
I have come back to worshipping both my mom and dad for the divine manifestations they both were. Clothed in flesh with all its limitations and foibles for sure but wonderful nonetheless. I will speak more of my dad on Father’s Day weekend. For today and tomorrow it is all about mom. I loved and adored my mom and still do. She will have been gone this August tenth nineteen years. But she is so much a part of me it is hard for me to really miss her. I speak to her daily and from my head and my heart full of three D, high definition recordings of her she speaks back to me. And no I am not “hearing voices” or “talking to myself” not yet anyway. But, is not that the way of love really, we never truly lose anyone who is so much an important part of us?
Tomorrow I will share more about Mother’s Day gifts that I gave to my mom. She gave so much, perhaps too much of herself, to me. Thank you, Mom, for loving me so much, as I ought to love myself, the Universe, and everyone. Love always brings out the best in us. Happy Mother’s Day Eve, Mama.
Loving son, friend, and fellow traveler,