Am I Not Who I Always Was?

Blog 1012 – 06.03.2018

Am I Not Who I Always Ways?

I’m Not Who I Was

I am always looking for new blog ideas and for songs to add to that big juke box that is my mind. A few years back I heard the song “I’m Not Who I Was” and wished I could sing it to my second wife, Linda Gail. My first wife Barbara Ann had already left this life some years ago, almost nineteen to be exact. Though I can and still do talk to her from time to time I just have to imagine what her replies might be. I do not think that I am at all unique in continuing to love all the people that I ever have. I admit it might be the source of jealousy for some but jealousy is an irrational emotion at best and needs no real provocation but to me comes from a childish or underdeveloped ability to share those we love with others. My second marriage lasted a little longer than the first. I was I suppose too impatient and too emotionally needy and stunted from the first to be as loving and nice as I should have been to Linda Gail. The song linked is a young man attempting to tell a woman he has changed and while true perhaps in one sense he gives a truer insight in the line where he says, “I wonder if you ever loved me just for who I was?”

I think that hints at a greater problem in many if not all our relationships with others i.e. that we often see them and even ourselves as we are not but perhaps as we wish we were. Hold on, Ole Skewed View Dave is on a tear here. My title asks a question: Am I not who I always was? Isn’t life really less about growing and more about knowing finally who we really are? I believe that even loving others is really just finding in them things we love about ourselves. That, to me, is even plainer when we closely examine what makes us think we hate others. We judge them and ourselves unloveable because we see in them something that we do not love. As the poet has said, too many to mention, “Love is the answer.” And the question is, “Why do I have a problem with what I see in others if not so readily in myself?” Blind spots, broken off mirrors (I am thinking of my poor truck in the body shop awaiting repairs.) The people in our lives are all mirrors, reflecting back at us some particular view of ourselves. People, myself included, are so funny, they/we will say dumb things like, “That picture doesn’t look like me.” or “That recording does not sound like me.” Of course they do and people all of them really are just reflections of you and me too. The object of life is not finding someone to love, or even becoming someone others can love but discovering the person we truly are by loving first and foremost all those things we like least about ourselves that we see in others and learning that we have always been who we are – a magnificent being created in love, to love and to be loved.

Your friend and fellow traveler,

In Love with myself and everyone, in the highest and truest sense,

David White

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